Chapter Seventy-Two: Let Go

Lying in bed, crying weakly and staring into space in grief, I had never before felt my body and soul so utterly exhausted. I had swallowed love like poison; the pain had seeped into my marrow, and there was no cure for it.

Not until the phone rang again did I finally stir. And when I saw that it was an unfamiliar number, I could almost physically feel my heartbeat quickening.

I answered, but I did not speak at once. I was hoping and waiting. I wanted to hear that familiar, imperious voice. I wanted my silence to bring me hope, to sweep away all my doubts, to rescue me from this whirlpool of anguish where I had been struggling and sinking.

Yet in my silence, the person on the other end seemed to be hesitating too, and for a long while said nothing. At last, urged on by my own restless heart, I could no longer care about mood or patience and spoke first.

“Hello…”

As if only my voice had finally prompted a response, the other end of the line at last came alive. But the voice that answered only left me more conflicted and at a loss.

“Yang Chen?”

To be honest, I was deeply disappointed. I could tell at once that it was not Luo Qing’s voice, the one I had been waiting for. My sudden spark of hope died instantly, dropping to the bottom. Helplessly, almost without strength, I replied, “Who is this?”

Sensing the disappointment in my tone, she seemed displeased as well. Just as I was about to hang up in silence, she spoke again.

“It’s Zhang Jiaxin.”

At that name, my heart tightened.

Zhang Jiaxin. The one I had once loved most, and most wanted to forget.

I no longer wished to have even the slightest connection with her, not even through a phone call. That name brought me nothing but memories and regret, along with the helplessness and cowardice it never stopped reminding me of.

“What is it?” I asked, doing my best to keep my tone calm.

There was another stretch of silence from the other end, and then she said, sounding aggrieved, “Do you hate me that much?”

“I wouldn’t call it hate. Just say what you want.”

I did not want to speak with her any more than necessary. The more we said, the more I would think, and the more trouble it would bring.

“Have you gone to bed? If not, can you come out for a bit? I have something to say to you.” There was a trace of displeasure in her voice, though she was trying not to show it too plainly.

“I don’t have time. If you have something to say, why can’t you say it over the phone?”

I was about to hang up as soon as I finished.

“Yang Chen!” Zhang Jiaxin suddenly sounded angry. “Can’t you give in to me just once? Come or don’t come, that’s up to you. I’ll be waiting for you at Central Square, and if I don’t see you, I’m not going back!”

I let out a self-mocking laugh.

What exactly were we to each other now? To call us friends would feel excessive to me, because no friend had ever hurt me this deeply. She had cost me more tears than anyone else in my life, and she was the first person who had taught me what reality really was.

“Do whatever you want. I’m going to sleep.”

I hung up.

I did not want to think about her feelings anymore. When I was sad, hurt, lonely, abandoned, who had ever thought about mine? I had once carried a guitar on my back and stood like an idiot beneath her dormitory singing, hoping that through sheer effort I might win back what we had lost. Yet I had not even received a proper rejection. All I had been given was silence, and in that silence, tacit consent.

Back in bed, I deliberately tried to forget about it. Again and again I warned myself: a man may live without dignity, but never without backbone. He may live badly, but must never debase himself. Whatever happened to her had nothing to do with me. This was merely her own wishful thinking.

And yet, the more I cursed myself under my breath, the less able I was to put her out of my mind. I knew Zhang Jiaxin’s temper too well. Once she had decided on something, no one could change it. She had been like that when she defied her parents’ fierce opposition to be with me, and she had been just the same later, when she broke up with me while I begged her not to.

I sat up and lit a cigarette. The turmoil inside me made it impossible to choose what was right. For me, going or not going was only a matter of a single thought. But if Zhang Jiaxin truly came to harm because of me, I knew I would not be able to bear it.

What a damned nuisance.

I cursed, crushed out the half-smoked cigarette, got dressed, and went out to catch a cab.

“Central Square,” I told the driver.

By the time I got downstairs and found a taxi, nearly ten minutes had already passed.

When the driver heard where I was going, a faintly suggestive grin spread across his stubbled face, as if every line of it were saying, I get it, I get all of it.

I could hardly argue with him. You get it? You don’t get a thing.

So-called Central Square was not in the center of the city at all, but tucked away in a corner of the southern district. Heaven knew what the designer had been thinking when he gave it such an overbearing name.

After paying and getting out, I walked toward the flower beds in the square. In truth, the place Zhang Jiaxin had chosen was one the two of us knew all too well. Back when we were still together, it had counted as one of our more proper places for secret dates.

When I stepped inside the flower garden, I saw her at last. She was crouched beneath the edge of the flower bed, arms wrapped around her knees.

“Aren’t you cold?” I asked casually as I walked up to her.

She looked much the same as before. A white coat, long bare legs pale and slender, a ponytail that still gave her that unmistakable air of a student.

At the sound of my voice, Zhang Jiaxin hurriedly looked up, her eyes meeting the gaze with which I had been studying her.

“Well? What is it?” I sat down casually on the edge of the flower bed beside her. It was perhaps a habit too hard to correct: whenever I was with Zhang Jiaxin, I always felt a kind of easy, unguarded comfort.

“Are you really that eager to get rid of me?” she said angrily, standing up and then sitting down beside me, glancing around. “You didn’t bring your girlfriend?”

“Why would I bring her? She’s not like me, loafing around all day.”

I was momentarily caught off guard, then answered on instinct.

“She’s that comfortable with you meeting your ex?”

Zhang Jiaxin suddenly smiled as she looked at me, then lifted her head toward the starry sky.

“If your conscience is clear, why fear suspicion?”

Feeling the coolness of the autumn night, I had no intention of idly chatting with her any longer. The air was chilly. Everything I was doing at this moment was meaningless. Was it possible for us to be friends? Unrealistic. And besides, unnecessary.

“Stop circling around it. Say what you came to say. If there’s nothing important, I’m leaving.”

I made as if to jump down from the flower bed, brushing off my clothes and pretending I was about to go.

Seeing my impatience, Zhang Jiaxin sighed.

“Forget it. I just wanted to talk to you about Qi Tian.”

“If you’re bringing him up, then there’s really nothing for us to talk about.”

I waved a hand at her. To be honest, before coming here I had already known there was a ninety-nine percent chance she wanted to speak to me about something involving Qi Tian.

“Have you come to call me to account?”

“Yang Chen, what exactly do you mean by that?” Zhang Jiaxin was thoroughly enraged by my words. “Do you really think I’m that despicable?”

“Am I wrong? Your boyfriend went to prison because of me. As his girlfriend, if you’ve come to see me, what else would it be for? To make a scene? To torment me? Surely not to talk about love.”

The depression I had been suppressing for so long finally erupted. I looked at her coldly.

Zhang Jiaxin stared at me blankly. A glistening line of tears slipped from the corner of her eye. After a moment of silence, she spoke in a small, broken voice.

“Yang Chen... you never used to yell at me like this...”

Seeing her look so desolate, her cheeks pale from the cold autumn wind, I finally felt my heart soften despite myself.

“Forget it. I don’t know whether my grudge with Qi Tian can be called settled or not. I only hope he learns how to conduct himself.”

I turned away, preparing to leave.

“From the day you said we should break up, we became people from two different worlds... Don’t come looking for me again.”

After saying that, I strode quickly in the direction I had come from.

Though I could not see the expression on her face, Zhang Jiaxin’s heart-rending cry finally made me stop.

“Yang Chen, did you ever truly love me at all? Weren’t you the person in this world who understood me best? Why are you leaving me too? You said no matter what happened, you would never give up on our love!”

In this world of glittering temptations and intoxication, what were promises worth? Were those words spoken so easily not the most fragile things of all? You and I had once foolishly believed that this love would last for lifetimes upon lifetimes. And yet it had not even survived four years, had it?

“Xinxin, maybe this is the last time I’ll call you that...”

In the end, I still turned back and walked to Zhang Jiaxin, who was covering her face and crying in misery. I patted her shoulder.

“We walk our own roads one step at a time. Once we’ve gone through certain things, there’s no turning back. Forget those memories that were once beautiful, but are now too cruel for the two of us... In the end, we still have to look ahead. You’re still so young, so beautiful. You’ll definitely be able to live a better life.”

Before I could turn away, Zhang Jiaxin suddenly threw her arms around me, burying her face in my chest as she wept aloud.

“It was my fault... I was the one who abandoned our dreams... But I never wanted it to be like this, I really didn’t... Yang Chen... can’t we try one more time? Can’t we be like we were before...”

Looking down at her, tears streaming over her face like pear blossoms in the rain, I found that I no longer had the heart to push her away.

“There’s no going back anymore... No matter who we are, neither of us is the person we used to be. Let go...”

I closed my eyes and spoke softly.

“I’ve already found a love worth giving everything for. I have a girlfriend now...”