Chapter 18

It was Ji Jianyun.

Song Xingyue did not know why he had appeared here, nor why he had climbed through her window, but she instinctively felt that nothing good would come of it. He was truly persistent, having followed her all the way here.

Song Xingyue pulled down her pant leg and hastily draped a dirty, stained garment over her shoulders. To her, he was no longer someone she could face in such a state. Regardless of how close they had been in the past, she was now a married woman; being alone in a room with him while so disheveled was indefensible.

Ji Jianyun had climbed into the room with agile grace. Noticing her movements and the way she guarded herself against him, his brow furrowed involuntarily. Was she really that wary of him? A gloomy shadow fell across Ji Jianyun’s features, making him appear even more sinister in the dim room.

He scanned her up and down, mocking her: "Marrying Xie Linxu doesn't seem to have made you very dignified, does it?" What was so good about a man like Xie Linxu? Did she think she could grasp at the power of the Xie family? Did she even understand what she was doing?

Ignoring his sarcasm, Song Xingyue asked, "How did you find this place? This is where I am staying for the moment. You need to leave."

Ji Jianyun stepped toward her. "Leave? Do you think I could just leave after coming all this way?" Earlier that morning, he had received a report from his men that she had gone to Bao'en Temple alone. Ji Jianyun had tossed and turned all day, and upon hearing that she was trapped on the mountain by a sudden downpour, he had rushed over. He was unwilling to let go. After their last parting, he simply could not accept it. When he arrived at the mountain, he happened to see Song Xingyue fall, and he followed her here.

Song Xingyue could not sway him. She pulled on her dirty clothes, preparing to leave. "If you won't go, then I will."

Ji Jianyun would not let her have her way. He grabbed her and pressed her back down into the chair. Standing before her, he gripped her shoulders firmly, pinning her in place. He then grabbed her hand without hesitation, seeing that her palm was indeed bloodied. Looking at her disheveled appearance, he knew she must have taken a hard fall.

Seeing Song Xingyue struggling, Ji Jianyun tightened his grip. "Why are you hiding? If you try to avoid me again, I will make sure everyone knows."

In the past, she had been overjoyed to see him every day. If he had even a minor ailment, she would be the most anxious of all. Now, she avoided him as if he were a monster. Ji Jianyun felt ashamed and angry, resentful that she could turn her back on him so easily. His words turned harsh.

"How pitiful, A-Yue. Why does everyone get to bully you?" He leaned in close, his tone a mix of pity and grievance. "You don't know, for these past two years, hearing that you were unhappy in the Xie household gave me such satisfaction. How many times was I on the verge of giving up, only to keep going because I wanted to come back and see you suffer?"

She did not know that in the Northern Frontier, he had been near death many times, gritting his teeth and surviving by chewing on the memory of her name.

Song Xingyue looked at his face, now inches from her own. It was sharper than it had been in his youth, so sharp that she felt as if he were a different person. Yet, he was still him; the eyes were the same. It left her unable to fathom whether the man before her was still the same Ji Jianyun.

A flicker of dazed confusion crossed her eyes. Forcing herself to steady her gaze, she stared straight at him without flinching. "A-Yun," she called him.

Ji Jianyun’s eyes flickered, and he was stunned for a long moment. Then, he heard her say, "Do you hate me that much? Then you should be pleased now."

"Do you regret it? Hmm?" Ji Jianyun suddenly reached out and gripped her chin, forcing her to look at him. "I’m asking you—do you regret it?" Did she regret not waiting for him?

Song Xingyue remained silent, her lips pressed together. Unable to get an answer, Ji Jianyun asked, his face darkening, "Did you have some hidden reason for what you did back then?"

***

Meanwhile, Xie Linxu had rushed to Bao'en Temple. He heard about what happened outside the main hall—that she had been knocked down and had gone to change her soiled clothes. He asked the monks where she had gone, but he was one step too slow; he arrived just in time to see Ji Jianyun climbing through her window.

Xie Linxu did not enter. He did not make a sound, but merely walked to the side of the window, hiding in the shadows. Was he not her husband? Yet, he found himself reduced to this behavior. Xie Linxu did not want to engage in the despicable act of eavesdropping, but his feet would not move. He had known the two had met in secret once before, but now, he was witnessing it firsthand from the dark.

He truly wanted to know if Song Xingyue’s claim that she had moved on was true or a lie. The two inside clearly showed signs of a lingering, unfinished affection; even a fool could see it. He heard Ji Jianyun ask her if she had a hidden reason for her past choices.

The autumn rain fell, and his limbs felt stiff and cold. Xie Linxu held his breath, his respiration slowing. Silence filled the room after that question. It was clearly a difficult one, as even Song Xingyue could not speak.

Inside, Song Xingyue could not believe what she was hearing. Her expression shifted between shock and horror. She was already married, yet he still harbored feelings? Did he not hate her? And he actually thought she had a hidden reason?

Song Xingyue looked at him, her eyes cold and stunned. "You actually think I had a hidden reason..." She let out a dry laugh. "What reason could there be? Stop it, A-Yun. You think too highly of me. I will tell you clearly: I had no hidden reason. It was I who crawled into Xie Linxu’s bed. Even when he drove me away, I clung to him for dear life... As for the reason, don't you already know it in your heart?"

The bond between them could no longer withstand such heavy expressions of pain. She had to tear it apart in a simple, brutal way, forcing him to accept this false, established reality. Even if she couldn't let go of those youthful memories, what did it matter? If one does not cut when it is time to cut, one will only suffer.

She and Ji Jianyun had to part ways. Otherwise, if Xie Linxu found out, he would never let her go. Her last remaining slivers of hope and fantasy regarding Xie Linxu prevented her from betraying him.

As expected, upon hearing her words, Ji Jianyun’s expression turned hideous. He was agitated, gripping her shoulders so hard that she frowned in pain. His cheeks trembled, and he seemed suddenly weak and unable to speak. After a long while, he squeezed out a few words, his voice dry: "You’re lying."

It was he who claimed to hate her, he who claimed she was greedy for status, and yet now, it was he who claimed not to believe her.

Song Xingyue’s emotions were much calmer than his. "Xie Linxu and I were joined in a proper, legitimate marriage. Do not do these inappropriate things. Leave now, and stop this nonsense." Having spent so much time with Xie Linxu, she had picked up his rigid, formal way of speaking.

Hearing this, Ji Jianyun’s hand moved flirtatiously to her waist. "Inappropriate? I think it’s fine."

The rain in the forest never ceased, making one feel restless and agitated. Xie Linxu stared fixedly at Ji Jianyun’s hand, about to break down the door, when Song Xingyue spoke up first: "Ji Jianyun, I may have poor character, but is this how you treat me? Treat me like a human being! If you dare to touch me today, I will smash my head against the wall and die to find some peace!"

Xie Linxu was already harboring resentment over their history. If something like that happened, she knew she would not survive it. He possessed such pride; that he could tolerate her past with Ji Jianyun was already a miracle. If anything else happened, she feared he might strangle her. Yet, Ji Jianyun was like a ghost, haunting her and refusing to let go, causing endless harm.

Seeing her cold eyes, Ji Jianyun finally withdrew his hand. "What a virtuous woman. You’ve spent so much time with Xie Linxu that you’ve become a fool who only speaks of morality. With that personality of yours, are you even able to find any pleasure in bed with him?"

Song Xingyue was not magnanimous enough to share her private affairs with him. She turned her head away. "Leave. Do not say these things again. Whether he is good or bad has nothing to do with you."

Ji Jianyun crossed his arms, mocking her. "Don't tell me you’re keeping yourself pure because you love him? You’re just playing a game of deception. You deceived me like that before, and now you’re deceiving him. There’s no one else here—don't keep speaking up for him; even you don't believe it."

Song Xingyue could no longer bear his repeated provocations. She retorted, "Is that so? Whether I love him or not has nothing to do with you. Even if I don't love him, even if I am greedy for the Xie family’s power—he has these things, do you? You can't even find your own path in life; what right do you have to talk to me about love? And I don't believe I have done anything to wrong you... I will not allow you to keep saying that I abandoned you, because you were the one who left first. Also, you must never hate me like this again—I cannot bear it!"

Why did he always harp on about her deceiving him? When he was good to her back then, had she not been good to him in return? He was the one who left, and he was the one who couldn't let go. He was trapped in the past, and he blamed her for it?

Song Xingyue said resolutely, "I just want to live a good life with him now. He is waiting at home for me to return for my birthday. Stop pestering me."

She didn't know if he had returned home yet. If he had, and she wasn't there, she worried he might overthink it. She had intended to stay here to change into clean clothes, but since Ji Jianyun had occupied the room, she could not stay. After a moment of thought, she decided to run out, find Danping, and just go home. Let the clothes stay dirty—if she lingered any longer, it would be too late and unsafe on the road.

Song Xingyue shoved Ji Jianyun aside and hurried out of the door.

Xie Linxu had already hidden himself around the corner, and the two barely missed each other. His gaze fell upon her departing back. The man who was usually as clear and bright as the moon now had a gaze that was increasingly dark and murky. He had listened to everything as an outsider who was, in fact, not an outsider at all.

She said she did not love him... She said she was only climbing the social ladder... She asked him to return home early, and he had actually listened? He had gone home early, he had gone up the mountain to pick her up, and this was what she gave him in return?

Song Xingyue... The mere thought of her name made Xie Linxu’s lips and teeth feel cold. He had to admit to himself once again today that his wife—the wife he had brought home through a proper, formal marriage—was such a base and wretched person. If there had been a veil of shame covering her before, it had now been completely torn away by her own words.

Xie Linxu saw it once more, clearly and unmistakably: she was not a clean person. But had he not known this from the very beginning?

As Xie Linxu recalled how she had laughed and cried in his arms over the past two years, he realized it was all an act. The "I like you, Changzhou" she whispered while lying on him was merely to win his heart, to make him as obsessed with her as Ji Jianyun had been... He was the only one who had been played from the very beginning. And he, shamefully, had still harbored fantasies about her.

Xie Linxu did not follow Song Xingyue; he descended the mountain alone. At the foot of the mountain, he saw the Li family’s carriage waiting for him. Li Huaiqin lifted the curtain and looked at him through the mist. "Changzhou, why have you come up the mountain?"

Xie Linxu’s carriage, with its sandalwood body and ornate canopy, was easily recognizable by the family crest hanging on the side. She had almost thought her eyes were playing tricks on her, but after waiting a while and seeing him descend, she realized it was truly him. She had assumed he had come to fetch Song Xingyue, yet he was alone.

"Where is Xingyue?" she asked. "Did you not come to take her home?"

Xie Linxu remained silent for a long time before simply shaking his head. Li Huaiqin sensed something was wrong but did not press him. "My grandfather has been ill at home these past few days and keeps mentioning you. Would you like to find some time to visit him?"

Madame Li leaned out. "Yes, Changzhou. Father has been talking about you while in bed. There is no time like the present; why not come with us now? It’s dark, but you can simply stay the night at the Li residence."

Based on her knowledge of Xie Linxu, Li Huaiqin expected him to refuse. To her surprise, he agreed. "Since it is a coincidence, let us go today," he said in a deep voice. With that, he boarded his carriage and followed their party to the Li residence.

***

Song Xingyue did not entangle herself with Ji Jianyun any further; she pushed him away and hurried off. Wearing her dirty clothes, she searched for Danping. Once she found her, she decided against changing. It was already very dark, and she feared complications; she just wanted to go home.

She lifted her soiled skirt and walked down the mountain. The mist in the forest clung to her eyelashes, and she felt as if she were soaking in a bath of salty, damp tears. She suspected Ji Jianyun had someone tracking her movements; otherwise, he could not have known she was at Bao'en Temple today, following her so closely.

Even if the days spent with him had been good—even if that time was the happiest three years of her life—she and he were finished. She had wronged Xie Linxu. Crawling into his bed in the first place had been an affront to him; how could she dare to rekindle the past with Ji Jianyun? Furthermore, with Xie Linxu’s temperament, if he found out, he would likely be so angry he would never speak to her again.

Song Xingyue was already exhausted from trying to appease Xie Linxu; she dared not invite any more trouble. Her head swam with worry and dread. Upon boarding the carriage, she collapsed onto the seat.

Danping did not know what was wrong. She had only gone to find some clothes, and yet Song Xingyue had returned in such a state of exhaustion. She knelt beside her and asked, "Miss, what’s wrong? Are you upset because your clothes are dirty?"

Song Xingyue cast those unpleasant thoughts from her mind. She stopped thinking about it and just looked at Danping. "Tell me, is Changzhou home yet?"

Danping smiled, trying to comfort her. "Miss, even if the Young Master hasn't returned early, he should have finished his duties by now."

If he had finished his duties, he should be home. Song Xingyue thought of Xie Linxu and the fact that he was waiting for her at home, and her heart finally felt a little lighter. Once she got home, she would tell him that she had accidentally fallen today—that her hands were cut, her legs were bruised, and it hurt so much. Xie Linxu would surely frown and scold her for being so careless, but when he applied medicine, he was always the gentlest.

She would shed a few tears, say today was just bad luck—the rain, the fall, and it being her birthday... And then, she would talk to him for a long time, and they would celebrate her birthday together. Then, as the passion deepened, the red curtains would warm, and they would be lost in each other. He would surely forget all these unpleasant things.

Song Xingyue could not wait to see Xie Linxu. She wanted to throw herself into his arms, tell him how much it hurt, and ask if he could pity her—to stop giving her the cold shoulder.

However, upon arriving home, she did not see Xie Linxu’s carriage.