Chapter Fourteen

Whenever she did something wrong, she was always like this—frightened and contrite, admitting her fault and promising never to do it again.

But when had she ever truly known she was in the wrong? In the end, she merely said whatever soothing words were needed to placate him.

Why should Xie Linxu bother quibbling over such trivial details? Somehow, muddled and confused, they had already spent two years together.

She deceived him, and he pretended not to understand. Most of the time, that was how things were between them.

He had always known that he was merely the helpless choice Ji Jianyun had left her with after abandoning her.

That was what angered him most.

From childhood onward, Xie Linxu—proud in all things—had never encountered a situation like this.

Yet if she truly could not let go of Ji Jianyun, why did she continue to deceive him so desperately?

She had been able to abandon Ji Jianyun and turn around to drug him back then. Now that Ji Jianyun had achieved fame and fortune, was she planning to betray him as well and return to her former lover?

Hearing him speak of her that way, Song Xingyue merely shook her head again and again. Fighting back sobs, she said, “I haven’t been disobedient. I’ve listened to you in everything. In the two years since I married you, I’ve done whatever you told me to do. I only want us to live our lives properly together, Changzhou…”

Xie Linxu would not believe a single word she said now. Her tears were nothing more than a potent weapon for coaxing people.

He had already witnessed her shamelessness and her methods two years ago, when she had climbed into his bed. Yet he had allowed himself to be deceived by her for two years. Now that Ji Jianyun had returned, he could see her true face once more—and the pitifully little sincerity she possessed.

Xie Linxu raised a thumb and pressed it against her chattering red lips. He pushed down hard, the gesture carrying a hint of punishment. His eyelids drooped as he said without emotion, “Moon Maiden, you would do well to toy with people’s hearts less. Sooner or later, you’ll set yourself on fire.”

All Song Xingyue’s words were sealed inside her mouth. With that single short sentence, he had blocked every one of her long explanations.

Xie Linxu no longer paid her any mind. He released her and began removing his outer robe.

The brocade robe had already been soaked when he pulled her from the water moments ago.

Seeing that she still sat in the pool, looking pitiful as she swallowed back her sobs, Xie Linxu said mercilessly, “How much longer do you intend to sit there?”

Song Xingyue understood that he meant to bathe. Daring not to dawdle any longer, she hurriedly wiped her face, gripped the edge of the celadon bathing tub, and rose with a little effort. Droplets of water slid down from her shoulder blades into the small of her back, scattering broken glimmers beneath the candlelight, as though a handful of stars had been strewn across a jade-colored mountain range.

Yet with his beautiful wife standing right before him, Xie Linxu merely turned his back, looking as though he could not bear even to glance at her.

Song Xingyue stepped out of the water and took the apron garment from the rack nearby. Still dripping, she hurriedly pulled it over her damp body. Seeing his cold indifference, she could do nothing but bite her lip and say as she dressed, “I’ll have someone bring you fresh water.”

“No need,” Xie Linxu replied coldly. “I can call for it myself.”

Song Xingyue did not dare say more. After hastily putting on her clothes, she went outside, leaving a winding trail of water wherever she passed.

Even after she had gone, a sweet fragrance lingered in the air of the bathing room.

It was the scent of her body, slow to fade.

Xie Linxu withdrew his gaze from the place where her back had disappeared.

He did not summon anyone to replace the water. Instead, he slowly sat down beside the bathing pool. His trousers were half-undone, and at some point, he had become aroused.

Had it happened when he first entered? Or when she had risen from the pool just now?

Sitting on the edge, he moved his hand himself, the veins on the back of it standing out clearly.

The first time Xie Linxu had ejaculated was when he was sixteen. He could no longer remember exactly what had happened that time—whether he had dreamed of something indescribable that night, or whether some vulgar, erotic incident had occurred during the day.

People could not help remembering the first time something happened to them. Life was a straight, unbroken line—or at least it was so for most people. The things that happened for the first time would be repeated countless times in the future until they became ordinary. Yet even the most ordinary events had an unfamiliar beginning. The words “the first time” always carried complicated emotions: the unknown, fear, longing, bewilderment. Those feelings crossed and tangled together, making the experience impossible to disregard or forget.

Perhaps, however, out of an instinct to seek benefit and avoid harm, Xie Linxu had always subconsciously blurred and avoided matters of lust. As a result, he could not clearly recall what his first ejaculation had been like.

He only remembered that when he saw the stain of semen, he had felt strangely irritated.

The books of the sages he had read seemed always to treat matters of lust as taboo. Thus, Xie Linxu, whose heart was filled with righteousness, had been unable to face such a natural phenomenon for a time.

Yet he had no choice but to accept the fact.

He had begun to feel desire.

He was a man—a young man in the full heat of his vigor.

Like fruit ripening and falling from the stem, like the moon rising and the sun setting, human beings had no way to evade their own desires.

He had disliked such matters from the very beginning. Yet later, for reasons he could not explain, he had seen her together with Ji Jianyun at the polo grounds and dreamed of her that night.

That dream had been far too vivid. He had wanted to forget it, but found that he could not.

For him, that had seemed to be the first true ejaculation of his life.

Before their marriage, he had seen Song Xingyue at the polo grounds more than once. Or perhaps it was more accurate to say that after that dream, he could no longer ignore her as he had before.

He had begun to notice her unconsciously.

But Song Xingyue probably had no idea. At that time, her eyes held only Ji Jianyun.

The strange sounds in the bathing room grew louder and louder. At last, a muffled groan escaped Xie Linxu’s throat. After a soft, rustling sound, the bathing room fell into absolute silence.

Xie Linxu sat beside the pool with his head slightly tilted back. His usual cool, emotionless gaze was now faintly unfocused.

He hated Song Xingyue, but at that moment, he hated himself even more.

He clearly did not like her. Yet when had she managed to turn him into such a shamelessly lustful man?

Song Xingyue waited outside for a long time before Xie Linxu finally came out. Yet even after leaving the bathing room, he still wore the same harsh expression, as though unwilling to exchange another word with her.

She did not know why he was so angry over this matter. Afraid that speaking to him would only earn her another scolding, she ultimately did not dare say much. After they went to bed, the night passed in the same quiet, wordless manner.

Over the following days, Xie Linxu continued to treat her with indifference, and Song Xingyue did not dare provoke him.

That was simply the sort of temperament he had. She would wait a few more days. After a while, the matter would gradually pass. He could not possibly cling to it forever, she thought.

The Seventh Month brought the falling of the Fire Star, and the weather had grown increasingly cool over the past few days. It was no longer as stiflingly hot as before.

Jingxi’s old headaches had flared up again. After paying her respects early each morning, Song Xingyue did not immediately leave. She had to remain at Rongming Hall to attend to her mother-in-law.

If she did not stay, Jingxi might seize the opportunity to make trouble for her.

Yet Song Xingyue also knew that Jingxi disliked having her in sight. Remaining before her too long would only make her headache worse.

Most of the time, Song Xingyue sat in the medicinal kitchen, personally boiling, decocting, and carrying the medicine. Once, while carrying a bowl, she accidentally scalded her hand. Several pale fingers immediately broke out in blisters.

Perhaps because her attitude had been sufficiently proper, Jingxi at least refrained from making any sharp accusations. She even had someone bring Song Xingyue an ointment for burns and told her to apply it to her hand.

Song Xingyue accepted the ointment, then stared blankly at the little jar for a long while.

Only when Jingxi spoke did she come back to herself.

“You managed to scald yourself while carrying medicine. You needn’t come here for the next few days. You’re so clumsy that looking at you only makes my head hurt more.”

Clutching the ointment, Song Xingyue felt as though the sun had risen in the west. It was rare for Jingxi to show her even the slightest kindness. Smiling, she replied, “Thank you, Mother.”

Jingxi was reclining on the bed. After finishing her medicine, she handed the bowl to Song Xingyue, who set it aside. Then Jingxi said, “In a little while, Brother Fu will be sitting the autumn examination. Go to Bao’en Temple and pray for his good fortune. And don’t think this is something beneath you. You’re being asked to make the journey, so don’t begrudge it.”

Because Emperor Jingning had suspended court for nearly a month this year, the autumn examination had also been postponed. It was now scheduled for early September, and Xie Linfu would be taking part.

There was no helping it. Jingxi was suffering from headaches, while Madam Huang was pregnant. Song Xingyue was the only one who could make the journey.

“I understand, Mother. You have your headaches, and my younger sister-in-law is with child. Praying for Second Young Master’s success is something I ought to do.”

Jingxi had never entrusted Song Xingyue with any real responsibilities, but she did feel at ease when Song Xingyue handled affairs.

Song Xingyue’s life in the Xie household was little different from that of someone dependent on another’s charity. Life was difficult, and she dared not ruin anything entrusted to her.

Seeing how sincerely she agreed, Jingxi said no more. She waved her hand and sent her away.

Hearing that she was being dismissed, Song Xingyue did not linger. She rose and took her leave.

Once she had left, she began calculating when she should go to Bao’en Temple.

There were still roughly ten days before the autumn examination. She could choose any day to climb the mountain, worship the Buddha, and pray for blessings; there was more than enough time.

Song Xingyue put the matter from her mind and silently counted the days. Before she knew it, she had returned to Qinghe Courtyard.

Night soon descended. Song Xingyue lay down in bed in the evening and waited until the Hour of the Boar before Xie Linxu finally returned from his study.

These past few days, while sulking with her, he had remained in the study until very late before coming back.

Song Xingyue had gone to look for him twice, but each time she had been refused entry. After that, she stopped going.

He had been cold toward her for several days now.

She truly did not understand why her having gone missing for only a short while had angered him so greatly. Even less did she understand why he had accused her that day of toying with people’s hearts.

Could he have caught her meeting Ji Jianyun?

But that made no sense. The place they had chosen was secluded; he could not have seen them. And if he truly had, would he have let her off so easily? He would have demanded an explanation. How could he have tolerated it until now?

He was so strange.

What on earth was going through his mind? Just how awful did he think she was?

Still, Song Xingyue was accustomed to his unpredictable moods and his unpleasant way of speaking.

But allowing him to remain cold forever was impossible. Now that she had found something to talk about, she thought she might use it to break the ice.

After returning from the study, Xie Linxu removed his clothes in preparation for bed.

Song Xingyue sat up and looked at his back. “Changzhou, Second Younger Brother is taking the autumn examination soon, isn’t he? Mother wants me to go to Bao’en Temple these next few days to pray and burn incense for him. I’ll pray for you as well while I’m there, and then ask the Bodhisattva of Mercy to bless us with a child.”

The only response was Xie Linxu’s silence.

The candlelight flickered softly. His broad back seemed to radiate an indescribable coldness, so severe that it robbed one of the desire to speak.

Yet Song Xingyue pressed her lips together, climbed down from the bed barefoot, and walked behind him. She wrapped both arms around his body and held him tightly.

Xie Linxu had heard her from the very beginning, but had never intended to answer. He remained silent. When he heard no movement behind him, he assumed she had realized her efforts were futile and fallen quiet.

Then, in the next moment, she embraced him from behind.

Xie Linxu frowned and reached out to remove the arms clinging to him.

Sensing his intention, Song Xingyue only held him more tightly, pressing her cheek firmly against his back.

“Changzhou, don’t be angry anymore, all right?”

“I really know I was wrong. Please don’t be angry anymore.”

Xie Linxu calculated the days.

Six.

That was her limit.

She claimed to know she was wrong. At last, he spoke the first words he had said to her in days.

“Where were you wrong?”

In truth, Song Xingyue had no idea what she had done wrong. But she knew that, in Xie Linxu’s eyes, admitting fault was the most important thing.

After all, as far as she was concerned, Xie Linxu was simply incomprehensible.

So she truly did not know what she had done wrong.

She could only sincerely apologize. “I shouldn’t have run off without telling you. I shouldn’t have made you unable to find me. I shouldn’t have angered you.”

Those were the only possibilities she could think of.

Xie Linxu forcefully pried her hands apart. “How rare of you to think up such words merely to fob me off.”

He finished removing his outer clothes and climbed onto the bed. Song Xingyue tried to follow, but Xie Linxu cast a cold glance at her bare feet.

She understood his meaning at once.

He thought her feet were dirty from stepping on the floor.

Song Xingyue sat down at the bedside and called for Danping to bring water so she could wash her feet.

After drying them, she climbed back into bed. Half kneeling and half sitting beside him, she bent down and nestled close to his ear, pestering him softly. “You have to explain it to me, Changzhou. Can’t you just tell me plainly? I really can’t guess.”

Someone who truly knew they were in the wrong would need only one apology. But she had repeatedly refused to change, and she did not even know what her mistake was. Even now, she continued concealing her secret meeting with Ji Jianyun.

Xie Linxu therefore had no desire to play the teacher.

She rubbed her head against his neck, her soft fragrance lingering beside him. He merely closed his eyes and said coldly, “I don’t want to talk about you anymore. Every time I say something, you treat it as though it goes in one ear and out the other. I’m tired. Stop making such a fuss.”

Stop making such a fuss.

She only wanted to ask him calmly until she understood, yet to him, that was making a fuss.

He even said that she always treated his words as though they went in one ear and out the other.

Wasn’t that terribly unfair?

He was such an old-fashioned man, with rules for everything. To be honest, Song Xingyue was not someone who followed rules particularly well. When she had been with Ji Jianyun, she had been accustomed to doing whatever she pleased. Yet she believed that during these two years in the Duke of State’s residence, she had done her best to accommodate all his rules.

She might occasionally act spoiled or throw a small tantrum, but if there was something he truly disliked, she would never do it.

And in the end, he said she treated his words as though they were nothing.

What more could she do? He had never seemed to notice any of it.

Song Xingyue felt heavy and stifled inside, and lost all desire to continue speaking. She gave a dry little “Oh,” turned away, and burrowed into the quilt without saying another word.

How annoying. How terribly annoying.

Xie Linxu was so annoying.

She cursed him inwardly, but did not dare show the slightest temper. Secretly competing with him, she tugged the quilt away, wrapped herself in it, and rolled toward the inner side of the bed.

Even though she said nothing, Xie Linxu could still sense her anger.

Was she sulking with him?

She did not even know what she had done wrong. What right did she have to sulk with him?

He reached out and pulled the quilt back. Song Xingyue clung to it stubbornly and refused to let go, deliberately opposing him.